A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
Actual Hiker Comments
These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for maintenance level employees: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for front line workers: football.
3. Sport of choice for supervisors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for middle management: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for corporate officers: golf.
CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls get.
The Eternal Game
There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."
"Okay. What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Golf in Heaven
Bill and his wife Sally died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. Right over here, we have our very own golf course! "Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?" they both asked. "Sure!" said the angel.
Therefore, the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
Sally confronted her husband on what was wrong. She said, "I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?"
Bill replied, "If you hadn't fed us those darned bran muffins, we'd have been here years ago!"
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Two football players were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.
Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."
Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
Ticket to the Super Bowl
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken. The man replied, "No." Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?" The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away." "Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?" "No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."
Ed arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday golf foursome. Edna, his wife, immediately lit into him: "You have some nerve leaving me home alone all day. I had to cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter home. You better have a good explanation, mister!"
Flustered, Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by the untimely sudden death of Stan, one of their playing
partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive heart attack just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."
Saddened, Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell me something," Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to her voice, "If he died on the first tee, what took you so long?"
"Well," said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the same thing: Hit the ball and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag Stan."