No Charge For The Haircut
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
Letter to the IRS
April 23, 2001
Internal Revenue Service
State Processing Center
Holtsville, NY 01150-0115
Enclosed is my 2001 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax guide.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 each1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
Einstein, Picasso, and Bush At The Pearly Gates
George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.
Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.
The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.
The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
Gore And Bush At Brunch
Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says, "I would like Eggs Benedict."
Waitress sys, "Fine, and what will you have Governor Bush?"
Perusing the menu, George says, "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie."
Taken aback, the waitress responds, "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!"
Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear, "George, that's pronounced 'quiche.'"
Presidents in OZ
Jimmie Carter, Ronald Reagan, George Bush and Bill Clinton stood in front of the Great OZ. Carter steps forward.
OZ: What would you like today?
Carter: I would like courage.
With a great puff of smoke, Carter was given the courage to tackle any problem.
Reagan stepped forward.
OZ: What would you like?
Reagan: I would like some brains.
With a great puff of smoke, Reagan was given the brains to solve and remember many great problems of the day.
George Bush was next.
OZ: And for you?
Bush: I would like some heart.
The puff of smoke came and went, Bush gushed with heart and compassion for his fellow man.
Clinton was left.
OZ: And last but least, What would you like?
Bill looked to the left and then to right and whispered, "Dorothy around?"
One campaign consultant says he doesn't approve of political jokes. He's seen too many of them get elected.
Statesman: A politician who never got caught.
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
A Washington reporter was awakened by her husband in the middle of the night. "I think there's a thief in the house," he said.
"No doubt," she said sleepily. "And there are a handful in the Senate, too."
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night.
Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief.
"Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote.
Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."
The Governor's Assistant
Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.
So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. "They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything." Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
It has been said that the United States has the best congressmen money can buy.
Tourist in Washington
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
It isn't necessary for a politician to fool all the people all the time. A majority on Election Day is enough.