Men and Women 2
"The triumph of hope over experience."
- Samuel Johnson
Princess And Her Frog
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't freakin' think so!"
Who's the Bride?
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women, and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch. They chat for a while with the mother, then he says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
"The redhead in the middle," she says.
"You're amazing, Ma! You're right! How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kristi," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice.
"I...I Have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
"They say marriage is a contract. No, it's not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can't take him back to his mama's house. 'I don't know; he just stopped working. He's just laying around making a funny noise.'"
- Wanda Sykes-Hall
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything
How to Change Your Oil
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead oftaking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.
32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
37. Lower car from jack stands.
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
Male Language Patterns
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'"
A very desperate marriage
A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to
decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one, but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Trouble in Eden
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this lovely place just for me, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.