ESL
Quotes from Actual Medical Records
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Brain Teasers
1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass,and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up? (hint... chim chimminy)
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Answers To Brain Teasers"
1. The word "incorrectly." {Almost cracked your brain, didn't you?}
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him. {Poor Sloppy.}
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
Classifieds
(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.
Lost in Translation
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Seen In Newspapers:
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel -
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
Free Yorkshire Terrier.
8 Years Old. Unpleasant Little Dog.
1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/offer
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by Clean Bachelor Who Seldom Washed.
Snow Blower for Sale...
Only Used on Snowy Days.
Free Puppies...Part German Shepherd - Part Stupid Dog
2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves:
One 5-finger, One 3-finger, Pair: $15
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box, Comes with its
Own 1988 Mustang, 5l, Auto, Excellent Condition
$6800
Cows, Calves Never Bred...
Also 1 Gay Bull for Sale.
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2000
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
Soft and Genital Bath Tissues or Facial Tissue
89 Cents
German Shepherd 85 Lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Full Sized Mattress.
20 Yr. Warranty.
Like New. Slight Urine Smell.
Free 1 Can of Pork and Beans
With Purchase of 3 Br 2 Bath Home.
For Sale:
Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
Nordic Track $300
Hardly Used ***************
Call Chubbie ***************
Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
Found: Dirty White Dog.
Looks like a Rat...
Been out a While..
Better Be Reward.
Hummels - Largest Selection Ever
"If It's in Stock, We Have It!"
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
Georgia Peaches
California Grown -
89 Cents Lb.
Nice Parachute:
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
Free: Farm Kittens. Ready to Eat.
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included $100
Tired of Working for Only $9.75 per Hour?
We Offer Profit Sharing and Flexible Hours.
Starting Pay: $7 - $9 per Hour.
Exercise Equipment:
Queen Size Mattress and Box Springs -$175.
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob
And It's Made of 100% Italian Leather.
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer and Dryer $300.
Lawyer Says Client Is Not That Guilty.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
For an Affair to Remember
Ground Beast: 99 Cents Lb.
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell.
Open House
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee and Donuts
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99 Box
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Man - $2.09 Lb.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion.
Benefits: Blue Cross Medical Insurance and salary.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale; an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used cars: why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Definitions
If you speak three languages, you're trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you're bilingual.
If you speak one language, you're American.
Grammar
I don't know about you, but in my student days, mastering English grammar seemed about as easy as learning the art of black magic. Well I was apparently onto something. The word "grammar" entered medieval English as "gramarye," via Scotland. The Scots got it from the French word, "grimoire," which meant a collection of magic spells. The connection was made between grammar and magic because most people then were illiterate, so any linguistic smarty-pants was metaphorically seen as dabbling in sorcery.
I wish they had retained grimoire. It sounds more like the way some students felt about the subject.
Why English Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Letters to Landlords
"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
"Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it."
"Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us."
Dumb Packaging Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste:
"If swallowed contact poison control."
(Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids)
