A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Buy a Cow
The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this: Basic cow, $200; two-tone exterior, $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; automatic fly swatter, $35. Total = $595.
Does this Make Sense?
I don't understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying NOT to be nauseous and dizzy. "Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let's bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas."
-- Dom Irrera
Your Problem...My Situation
When you get angry it's because you're ill-tempered... It just happens that my nerves are bothering me.
When you don't like someone it's because you're prejudiced... I just happen to be a good judge of human nature.
When you compliment people it's because you use flattery to get your way... I only encourage people.
When you take a long time to do a job it's because you're unbearable slow and pokey... I take a long time because I believe in quality workmanship.
When you spend your paycheck in 24 hours, it's because you're a spendthrift... When I do, it's because I'm generous.
When you stay in bed until 11 A.M., it's because you're a lazy good-for-nothing... When I stay in bed a little longer, it's because I'm totally exhausted.
A minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.
Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."
An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot cliff. Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top with a ragged old rope.
Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you change the rope?"
The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."
A minister is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have
you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the minister.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Diet Rules for Cheaters
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat--the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
A few deep thoughts
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...Toothpicks?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?
* Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?
* How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing turned up. He decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "God," they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00; he thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which was as follows:
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, DC As usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.
There haven't been too many famous quotes associated with the post office. The most famous is the one chiseled in stone above the entrance to the main post office in New York City: "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds."
Most people don't realize that the quote is 2,000 years old. It comes from the Greek writer Herodotus, who mailed it in, intending it for the entrance of the post office in ancient Athens. But you know how the mail is . . .
While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit
and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.
His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the
Each crew member attached the package to his or her back.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."