Miscellaneous 3

 
Two Sisters and a Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last 600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.

The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it real slow."

 
New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!


 
Indian Scout

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.  One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.  He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up.  "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away.  Have two horses, one brown, one white.  Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend.  "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

 
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's
why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll
*give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you
*look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!
Have a great day!

 
911

Milo passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told Bud that she would send someone out right away.  

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bud replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I drag 'er over to Oak Street and you pick her up der

 
Religious Accident

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi from one city were taking a  car ride to a conference on world religions. On the highway  they were in an accident.

First the Priest steps out, makes the sign of the cross and  says, "Oh, God, thank you for letting us survive."

Then the Minister crosses himself and says, "Thank you dear  Lord for protecting us."

Finally the Rabbi steps out and likewise makes the sign of  the cross. The Priest and Minister look at each other.

Baffled, the Minister says, "We thought you didn't believe  in that."

To which the Rabbi responds, "Ach no, I was just checking to make sure I have everything -- spectacles, testicles,  wallet, and watch!"

 
Get the Quarter

One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

 
Thermos

One day Mikey is sitting in his apartment when the doorbell unexpectedly rings. He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porchwith a strange object.

"What is that?" Mikey asks.

"It's a thermos," the salesman replies.

"What does it do?" asks Mikey.

"This baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold."

After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrives at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other men were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.

"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.

"What does it do?" they asked.

"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"What do ya got in it?"

To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

 
Literary Influence

Three newly recruited trainee police officers are having a cup of coffee in their sports club canteen. They engage in a conversation about superstition.

The seemingly older of the chaps says, "When my wife was pregnant, she read a book called 'Double Trouble' and she ended up having twins."

The second lad responds, "That's interesting -- guess what? My wife read 'The Three Musketeers' when she was pregnant, and had triplets."

The third gets up, already sweating profusely, and spurts, "Guys, I've gotta get home right now. I left my wife reading 'Ali-Baba and the Forty Thieves!'"

 
Bonehead Awards

Good thing nobody ever slammed the door!

A couple in the UK unwittingly used a live bomb as a doorstop for 23 years. Until, that is, a local policeman recognized it as a World War II "ack-ack" shell and contacted the bomb squad.

The former owner said, "Children and grand-children have played with it. We're lucky it didn't go off."  Uh huh.

====================================================

The first bonehead award goes to the skipper of an ocean
freighter "the length of two football fields."

Because of him, the shipping company that owns the vessel has agreed to pay the natives of an isolated Pacific island (Satawal) about $2 million because of damage he caused to valuable coral reef life.

It seems that he tried maneuvering the massive vessel through an island channel so he could get a better look at the island's topless women.

=====================================================

And then we have a bonehead award for another robber in Amstel, MA who tried to carry away the cash register (this always leads to a bonehead award).

Now he's suing the store because he hurt his back trying to haul away the heavy machine. He says they should have had a sign warning people that the cash registers are very heavy.

 
Thoughts to Ponder:

1. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

2. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

3. You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the  world to one person.

4. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

5. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the     store is free yet?

 
Quiet

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked.

 
Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." 

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:  "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." 

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes.   The chicken was delicious."

 
Brandi Needs the Lotto

A  woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and she does not win.

Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she Prays... " Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself...

"Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket."

 
Man at the Club

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation occurs:

"Hello?" "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?" "Only $1,500.00" "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000..." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..." "What?" "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?" "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" "Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 
Art Sale

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.  

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."  

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

 
Dormitory Fines

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

 
Survivalist Training

A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan wilderness. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, such as water, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster inquired.

"The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain you during the rescue."

"And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks up behind you and says, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

 
Execution

A lawyer, a doctor and an engineer have all been sentenced to die for crimes that they have committed.

The Lawyer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Lawyer is spared and released to go free.

The Doctor is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner pulls the lever to activate the device and the blade starts to fall but jams. The Doctor is spared and released to go free.

The Engineer is brought up in shackles and placed in the guillotine. The executioner reaches for the lever to activate the device and the engineer shouts, "Wait! Stop everything! I think I've figured out your problem!"

 
Can't Take It With You

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he  exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it contained my personal check for the full $30,000."

 
Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

 
To Butter or not to Butter

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."

 
Only In America...

Only in America - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America - are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America - do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America - do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America - do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America - do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America - do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America - do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'

Only in America - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Only in America - the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the budgets of many third-world nations.

Only in America - do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to "buy American," and install them on their imported cars.

Only in America - are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs.







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